


I knew you then.

by am_i_living



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Break Up, Break Up Talk, Crying, Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Not Happy, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is Bad at Feelings, Richie Tozier is Not Okay, Sad Ending, Sad gays, This Is Sad, but they do love each other, eddie kaspbrak is trying, has anyone heard exile by taylor swift?, they are all very sad, they may be breaking up, this is based on exile by taylor swift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29171634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/am_i_living/pseuds/am_i_living
Summary: Richie's crying, there's tears running down his face, down his neck, the collar of his shirt is wet. "We can fix this!"Eddie isn't much better. "Fix what? There's nothing here for us, Richie."
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	I knew you then.

**Author's Note:**

> This is so heavily based off of Exile by Taylor Swift it hurts. I'm a swiftie first and a human second. I will warn you, this just gradually declines in quality because I fell asleep and forgot what I was trying to say.

Eddie and Richie are sitting on the couch. Not together persay, sure they're on the same couch but Richie's leaning against the right arm and Eddie against the left. There's three feet of space between them and a lot of tension. _Can Richie feel it, too? He must, right? This can't be in my head._

Eddie raises his head from his phone and looks over to Richie, someone who he used to tell everything to. He knew those black curls, he knew those brown eyes and freckles. How can your favorite person become a stranger so quickly? How can you know someone completely, and in only a month know only their eyes? Those eyes that dance with optimism, he hasn't truly looked into them in so long. Eddie misses Richie so much, and somehow, sitting 3 feet away from him, he's never missed him more in his life. Just as Richie turns his head, Eddie looks back to his phone. _Richie noticed._

"What?"

"What?"

"Why are you looking at me?" Eddie can hear the smile in his voice.

"I'm not."

"You were."

"I'm not anymore."

"Well why were you?" Richie's phone is on the couch now, he obviously doesn't feel the tension Eddie thought he had.

"What? I can't look at you?" Eddie's still looking at his phone, but he isn't really looking.

"Not suspiciously!" Richie's laughing. Eddie's dying.

Eddie looks at Richie, Richi's smile makes Eddie smile. They're smiling. _Will we ever smile like this again?_ "What if I was just admiring you?"

"Were you?" Richie giggles. _I love him so much._

"No."

"Then?" Richie's smiling, he's laughing. _I love him more than anything._

“Just thinking, I guess.”

“Yeah?” Richie’s looking right into Eddie’s eyes. He looks downright fond.

“Yeah.”  _ Am I showing the same fondness? I bet I am. _

“What about?” Richie rests his chin in his hand and his elbow on his knee.  _ I don’t wanna lose him. _

“Us.”

“I bet we’re a common topic in that pretty head of yours.”

“We are.” Eddie looks pensive _ ,  can Richie see it in my eyes? I hope so, it’s now or never.  _ "We need to talk."

Suddenly, Richie's not smiling. He's not giggling, suddenly he feels the tension too. Richie may act like it, but he's not dumb. Everyone knows what 'we need to talk' means. After a few moments of insufferable silence Richie speaks first.

"You're breaking up with me?" His voice is already breaking, the dam is cracking.

"Rich, lemme talk-"

"You aren't saying no."

"Rich-"

"What'd I do?" His eyes are filling up. _I know those eyes. Those eyes are all I've known for so long._

"Richie, you didn't-"

"Did I say something? I'm sorry." _He's sorry, he hasn't even done anything to be sorry about and he's sorry._

"You did nothing wrong."

"Then what?" Suddenly Richie looks much smaller than he used to, the tears have long spilled over, magnified by his ridiculously thick glasses. His posture is slumped, his voice is quiet, "Why?"

"We never talk, Richie."

"We always talk! We're talking right now."

"I feel like I don't even know you anymore!"

"Well I know you! I know that your favorite color is blue because the only stuffed animal you were allowed to have was that bunny your dad gave you. And I know that your favorite movie is Maze Runner because it's the first movie we saw together." Eddie lets him talk, he knows he shouldn't, he knows that letting him talk won't change anything, he knows letting Richie talk will make it all hurt so much worse, but he lets him talk. "I know that you draw on ur arms when you get nervous, and that your favorite number is 12,963 because your favorite times table is 3! Eddie I know you! You're all I know!"

"Richie that's not what I mean."

"What's my favorite movie?"

"Rich-"

"Eddie you know me! What's my favorite movie I know you know it!" _It's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire._

"That's not the knowing I'm talking about and you know that." _We had our first kiss while Harry was under water._

Richie's crying, there's tears running down his face, down his neck, the collar of his shirt is wet. "We can fix this!" _ I shouldn't hold his hand, I know I shouldn't.  _ Eddie allows it. They're holding hands. Eddie didn't even know he was crying until he tried to look at their hands 

“Fix what, Rich? There’s nothing for us! There is no ‘this!’” Eddie’s not much better than Richie, he takes his hand away from Richie’s to wipe his own tears.

“Well, I wish you would’ve said something! I wish I could’ve done something!”

“Richie I did! I was sending so many signs, all you had to do was see them.”

“Like what?”

“How about in the kitchen? Just a week ago!” Eddie remembers.  _ Richie’s hands were on my waist, they were _

* * *

warm, they’re comforting. Richie and Eddie are kissing longingly but not particularly hardly at all. Neither of them want anything out of the kiss, there’s no want behind it, the kiss itself is enough. The touch of the other is enough, it always has been. They break away after a bit, they have to breathe eventually, and though the kiss is broken, they still hold each other. Eddie hops off the counter to hug Richie closer. Richie’s hands are around Eddie’s neck, Eddie’s are around his waist. 

Richie has a distinct smell that if Eddie had to describe it he’d say ‘home’ if he were in a sappy mood. If not he’d just ask you to imagine vanilla and chocolate baking in the same oven. It’s a smell Eddie knows, something he’s used to. Something he remembers being bombarded with when he entered Richie’s home for the first time and saw baked goods all over the place, a wrapped plate on the living room coffee table, about four Tupperwares on the dinner table, and at least three full cakes on the kitchen island. The whole house was so Richie-ey it was hard to imagine anyone else lived there at all, though soon enough Richie’s family emerged to say hello. Niceties were shared, hands were shaken, cookies and cupcakes eaten, then eventually some cookies made their way to Richie’s room, where the rest of the night was spent.

“Eds, I can practically hear you thinking,” Eddie can feel Richie’s voice in his chest, “what’s going on in that pretty mind?”

“I miss you.” Eddie let the words out before he could even think to hold them back.  _ Why do I want to hold my words in?  _ Eddie thought to himself,  _ this is Richie. _

“I’m right here,” Richie holds Eddie impossibly closer.

“No you’re not,” Eddie turns his face into Richie’s chest to avoid having to look at him, “you’re so far away Rich, I feel like I’ll never catch up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie starts crying, he couldn’t figure his thoughts out if he tried, and he sure couldn’t put them into words. He’s sobbing hard, and loud, and all Richie can do is hold him.

They never talk about it again.

__

“Eddie I was trying to give you space! I thought you’d want me to leave that alone! I thought it’d be a sensitive subject!” Richie’s got his knees pulled up and his feet on the couch. His arms are crossed and resting on his knees, his head is hidden, forehead against his own arms. Eddie knows he’s still crying, but he also knows he’s the reason.

“You never thought to ask? You never thought to ask me what was wrong?”

“Eddie this might come as a surprise but I actually love you and respect your right to private thoughts.” 

What is Eddie supposed to say to that? He can’t say anything, Richie’s right, he’s always right. He’s the only one out of the two of them who always has his head on straight. Its been a few seconds, Eddie assumes he’ll be expecting an answer soon. He doesn’t have one.

Once again, Richie breaks the silence, he raises his head, showing his red wet face. He takes off his soaked glasses and practically throws them on the table.

“What so that’s it? We’re not gonna fight at all?”

“Fight for what, Richie? What are we fighting for? Days of not talking? Not sharing anything with each other? We don’t work like this!”

“Fight for us! We’ve had good times, great times! We can be like that again!”

“You think I don’t want to? My whole life, you’re all I’ve wanted. Since I was seven fucking years old I wanted to be with you, Rich! You’re the love of my life! But please don’t pretend everything- don’t pretend  _ we’re  _ okay when we’re not. There’s nothing we can do to salvage this. We don’t work as boyfriends, when we were friends we had no secrets, no insecurities, no distance. We’re not what we used to be.” Eddie started off strong, he didn’t realize his decrescendo until he was whispering the last sentence. He gives himself a second to get his voice back, his tears are running as freely as Richie’s, this is way harder than he thought it’d be.

“Do you remember our first date?” There Richie goes again, breaking the painful silence and saving the day.

“What?” Eddie can’t bring himself to look at him.

“Our first date, I know you remember it.” Eddie allowed himself a pathetic laugh, Richie did too.

“Yeah it was…”

* * *

“A picnic.” Eddie’s voice is painfully monotone. Richie Tozier, his crush of 7 years, the most creative mind in their grade is taking him on a date and he planned...a picnic.

“Yeah,” Richie sounds about as happy as Eddie does, “Beverly helped me plan it, if I’m honest, there’s all sorts of fun stuff, like pencils and paper...for drawing.”

"Exciting." _This is going to be the worst afternoon of my life and I will never be attracted to Richie Tozier again._

Richie takes all of 5 seconds to read the room, "No it's not, at all."

"You don't think?" Eddie's trying to keep as much sarcasm out of his voice as possible

"Not even a little. Thank god you didn't think so either. Jesus I thought I'd have to sit here eating tiny sandwiches and drawing geese to get you to like me."

"I already like you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you, idiot." Eddie's laughing at the stupid blanket and the cliche basket, "I mean, this would have adamantly made me not like you probably."

"That's what I get for asking Bev I guess."

"Yeah that's what you get for asking the biggest hopeless romantic in Derry for dating advice.”

“Well...what now?” Richie sits on the grass anyway, as if either of them had any desire to participate in the picnic. Eddie joins him on the ground.

“What do you mean?”  _ While we’re sitting we might as well open the basket, I am hungry. _

“Well, I’ve still got a free afternoon and no plans so, what do you wanna do?” Richie joins Eddie in looking through the basket, they both decide on ham and cheese.

“We could see a movie,” Eddie takes a bite and covers his mouth before continuing, “I’m pretty sure the AMC is showing some new John Krasinski movie, I was gonna see it with Bill but I’m sure he’ll survive.”

“Sounds good to me,” Richie’s already halfway done his sandwich.

“How are you eating so fast?”

“This is who I am, Eds.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Okay, Edward.”

* * *

“You don’t say that anymore.” They’re smiling again, through their tears RIchie and Eddie are reminiscing.  _ It feels more like mourning. Like we’ve reached acceptance. _

“Say what?” Eddie lets himself meet Richie’s eyes, it hurts just as bad as it had before.

“I mean, you let me call you ‘Eds.’”

“Yeah, I guess I just got used to it.”

“Or maybe you accepted how fun it is.”

“Keep talking like that and I’ll take away your ‘Eds’ privileges.” Eddie laughs. Then Richie, and for a moment it’s like normal again, it’s like nothing happened; like they aren’t currently breaking up.

“What are we doing, Eddie?” And just like that Eddie’s slapped by the tension, he’s punched in the face by reality.

“I don’t know.”

“Can you figure it out? Because I know that I’m trying to save this but if you’re not then that’s just not gonna work.”

Eddie meets Richie’s eyes, and for a few seconds he just lets himself look. He tries to find words, he tries to figure out what they’re doing.  _ Is this really it? 3 years of dating, 7 years of crushing, all to waste? A decade of my life, for nothing.  _ Eddie’s not sure what to say, he’s not sure what to do, he’s only 17, Richie’s his first boyfriend, his first crush, Richie is all he’s ever known he doesn’t know what to do. So he tilts his head and lifts his shoulders and breaks eyes contact, he shrugs, it’s quite literally the only thing he even remembers how to do.

“Eddie, I love you but that’s not good enough. This whole thing is happening because you said something I didn’t understand and I let it go. I can’t let it happen again, please talk to me.”

“There’s nothing more to say, I’d rather be your friend than your boyfriend. I don’t think anything else works.”

“Do you still love me?” Richie blurts it out, there’s hardly a second between the end of Eddie’s sentence and the beginning of Richie’s. There’s about the same amount of time before Eddie responds.

“More than anything.”

“Then I hope you’re right, I just want us to be happy together. I don’t think we have to  _ be _ together to do that.” Richie holds Eddie’s hand again, “we’ll be okay.”

“We will.”

“We will.”

“We’re gonna be fine.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I take constructive criticism but I will also tolerate bullying if you call me pretty at the end of your comment.


End file.
